Sunday, January 23, 2005

Shopping at Fellini's

The Guide to being Snarky: by Me

Someone told me that it was going to snow all of this weekend, starting on Thursday. Lo and behold no snow. My Kroger MK-5 Ultra brain programming still makes me want to go shopping. I will of course need ground beef, whole chicken, canned goods and sweets. I peruse the canned goods looking for the best expiration dates. The meats will of course be okay as long as I can keep them frozen. Now this of course also involves keeping some form of electricity on. Most of you know about my run-ins with company monopoly prima numbero uno; not always an easy task for me. Damn those bastards!! I even understand the physics of electricity; shouldn’t they give me some kind of discount for being able to tell how conductivity of elements and alloys works due to the valance bands? I’m sure they should.

Anyone know how to cook a whole fucking chicken?

Anywhooo. As I was walking through the frozen/cottage cheese section searching in vain for my favorite species of chocolate ice cream, I heard someone speaking to his girlfriend from behind me. His exact words were “Man let’s get us some of that Haigendos.”

Do you feel it coming?

Can you tell by now?

Anyone suspiciously erect?

Once again, my mouth being the fastest object in the universe, proceeded to blurt out “Häagen-dazs”. I need to stop the tale now and remind you all that I never intentionally do these things of which most of whom you have experienced.

With a look of shock turning to anger the 6’4” African-American gentleman stares me down. I don’t blame him. I stoled his cred up in front of his biatch. Yikes. Clutching my premium brand of Ice Cream a la chocolate to my chest I give him the “yo, I’m kewl nod.” Heavens and hells must have moved in that moment, for in front of mine eyes he moved on. Yeehaw!! I survive to tell tales again.

The rest of the night was uneventful until the cat jumped out of the trunk of my car and I peed my pants.

Stay tuned for more action!! I shop at Fellini’s all the time.

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